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15 December 2011 @ 04:12 pm


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15 December 2011 @ 12:56 am



Current Mood: distresseddistressed
15 December 2011 @ 12:32 am

I had this vision...

I lay in bed as the sun streams through the blinds which are pulled shut but not enough. Nelson is in the bathroom shaving, he is singing and whistling in a grand mood. I laugh because I imagine this is how excited he was the first time he shaved. I can still feel his warmth in the space beside me as I lay my hands in the indentation I call to him to come back to bed and he turns and looks at me mischievously. Taunting me like he always does. He splashes water on his cleanly shaven face and hops back into bed. Tickling me so I am laughing uncontrollably he manages to pin me down and as the excitement settles we stare into each others eyes and he kisses me passionately..."I Love You" he says repeatedly as we continue to intertwine our bodies and eventually make love.

When we finish I lay on his chest and tell him I wish we could stay in bed forever. He says he wishes he could but has to get down to the shop. I whine like a baby and he kisses my forehead and proceeds to get dressed. We live in a comfortable space and he owns a fairly profitable gun shop..he's his own boss and he is happy. I own a few small freelancing businesses and have published a book. Our life isn't grand but it is wealthy beyond our wildest dreams because we are happy just to be with one another. 

I walk him to the door and give him a kiss goodbye then go to the kitchen passing picture frames filled with memories with us traveling, dancing, experiencing life together. I make some tea, make some calls and then head up to my home office. Its a clutter as usual and my desk has our wedding picture on it. 

I'm happy for the first time in my life...I feel so safe and so loved and the only thing that matters is that we are together. Not the money, not the possessions just that moment in the morning where everything is calm and we are one.

I don't care about the money I would rather have the time with him. I don't need much to be happy just the air I breath and your love...remember that?

Current Mood: anxiousanxious
13 December 2011 @ 11:26 pm
I have meet a lot of famous people mostly because of the industry I have worked in here is a laundry list:

50 Cent
LIL Wayne
Fat Joe
Kobe Bryant
Lamar Odam
Steve Harvey
Omar Gooding
The Kardashians
MC Lyte
Afrikan Bambata
Macy Grey
Chris Gardener
Megan Hausserman
Dead Prez
M. Night Shamalan
Micheal Mann
Jamie Foxx
Collin Farrell
Ving Raimes
Heavy D
Uncle Luke
Uncle AL
and others I can't think of right now lol
Have you ever met anyone famous?
Current Mood: calmcalm
13 December 2011 @ 10:11 pm

I caught a boy sitting in the corner of barnes and nobles eyeing me. I was kinda freaked out until I realized why...he was sketching me. I pretended to get up and walk to the section where he was sitting, I wanted to see how someone else perceived me.

He hid the paper as I got closer after a few secs I just decided to ask him what he was sketching he got nervous and I told him why I asked, then showed me and I was surprised...it wasn't me as a monster or something dirty, he had sketched my face and it was pretty good.

I complemented him on it and went back to the cafe...it feels good to feel admired. It made me think of Nelson.

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Current Mood: chipperchipper
13 December 2011 @ 10:05 pm

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Current Mood: calmcalm
13 December 2011 @ 07:54 pm

I feel like I'm improving. My mood regulation had been better. I'm losing a lot of weight and because Nelson and I have been talking my anxiety is not as bad. I feel better.


let's make it last :)

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13 December 2011 @ 06:52 pm
I can't read your mind...believe me if I could I would and you know it...but I can't, I wish you felt more comfortable to talk with me. Maybe then I wouldn't feel inclined to freak out or creep about. I hate when I pry so I have stopped but not knowing what you're thinking really freaks me out. I guess its from my past...the anxiety of not knowing how my parents would wake up and if I was going to have a good day because they were having a good day or a shitty day because they were going through it.

I piece together your well being from reading your things...if only you would just talk to me, tell me you love me and push back into me. I've been reading this book about renewing base values when you have been destroyed by circumstances, the media or your past. It says that we become what we repeat, that we have our basic human principles and then we have our second human nature which is conditioned by the actions we have continually taken throughout our lives.

We can become victims of this repetition and ultimately reach a state where we cannot change if we don't choose to break the cycle. So I want us to break the cycle that our past actions have programmed into us.

I want us to choose healthy interaction, love, honesty, trust, and support. Not ignorance, hate, lies, distrust, and nonavailability.

If we can do this, we can be better as individuals and as a couple. In the book it talks about our inaction to breaking these cycle, as being the demise of our relationships. It talks about doing righteous things even if we don't essentially "feel" like it, citing that relying solely on our heart for inspiration is a farce.

You don't always feel like going to work but you do it because you have a goal in mind. You don't always work out but you do it because you have a goal in mind.

The same can be said for a relationship, you may not feel like communicating but you should do it because you have a goal in mind. You may not feel loving but you should show love because you have a goal in mind. You may feel attracted to someone else but you shouldn't act on the impulse because you have a goal in mind. You may feel angry and unforgiving but you should forgive and choose harmony because you have a goal in mind.

The writer goes on to explain that through action you will excite these feelings your waiting around for. You'll feel more like communicating if you just start communicating, you will feel more loving towards one another if you just start showing love, you will feel more attracted to your partner if you just start expressing attraction and you will feel more forgiving if you just start forgiving.

Its common sense really but I can see how our emotions or lack there of, can cause us to hinder our forward progress as human beings through action. The author explains to cast aside this notion that emotion rules action and adopt the following..

"Feelings follow actions because everyone wants to justify the investment they've made. It is how we act, not how we feel that matters. It is not the thought that counts. The world is more important than us. Righteous action is more important than righteous motivation. If you want to succeed in a relationship, sure, your love and your affection matter, But even they are utterly secondary to doing the right thing.

Our culture likes to believe that emotions inspire action, that the heart motivates the hands, but on some level, we know this to be false. A man may love his wife infinitely but if he treats her badly she will walk. If you don't treat people with love, if you don't commit loving acts, then no matter what you feel, no matter whether your heart bleeds for them, they will not stick around.

About 80 percent of people who cheat claim to love their partners. However, that love doesn't stop them from breaking their partners' hearts. 

The reason action is so important is that when you truly love someone, your love is made manifest. It can extend so far that it travels all the way from your heart into a simple bowl of soup. But if your love is weak, it can only be expressed in more obvious ways. Some people love so powerfully, and so potently, that their love has the power to transform washing dirty dishes into an act of love. Real love can embrace and encompass even mundane action."

I guess we have to just fake it till we make it. If we act like better individuals we will become better individuals and I want to achieve that with you.

Now if I could only find a way to communicate all of this to you in a real conversation where you can talk back lol.

Current Mood: nerdy
13 December 2011 @ 03:24 pm

Love. Laughter. My Family who supports me. My Friends who support me. My future. Indoor plumbing. The public library. Technology. Good food. Clean Water. My mind. My health. The chance to change my life at any moment. Redemption. Forgiveness. Great books. Sunlight. Nature. My wealth. Good weather. Chocolate chocolate Chip Ice Cream. The Human Spirit. The Ocean. Expression. Good Music. Shelter. Gratitude. The Postal Service. Kittens. The Nature of Babies. Spirituality. Creation. Science.

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Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
13 December 2011 @ 03:08 pm

Doing a little painting I think I am going to try and create one new thing everyday until the NEW year it calms me when I paint. I haven't done it for some time and I really do enjoy it. Especially if its just for me no pressure.  </p>

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